The following conversation is an actual correspondence with a lovely submissive on FetLife. Being a candidate for servitude, I asked him about a summary on Total Power Exchange. Here I expose our communication - hs text and my answer.

 

mark (a slave)

 

Let me praise Your smart choosing of the subject. I understand power exchange as the cornerstone of every D/s relationship and as such offers a framework in which to discuss historical, gender and motivational issues within every relationship, be it BDSM or not. If I were to write an essay for the general public on the subject I would probably like to delve into all those issues to give my opinion a little more perspective, since there are already too many ill-informed, childish or misleading pieces written by respected practitioners of the lifestyle. But since this is for You only and Your interests are more specific, I will try to be as personal as I can.

 

The eroticization of Power is a defining trait of the patriarchal society, and that stems from the differences between the human male and female reproductive strategies. That also points to the obvious fact that Female Domination does not equal matriarchalism, i.e. it is not a structural change in the traditional power relations among genders, biological or otherwise, but simply a swapping of the actors. So-called ‘deviant’ sexual practices have always existed – human sexuality is complex – but BDSM as we know it is mostly a Victorian invention. It evolves in a sexist, morally conservative, hierarchical society with a very wealthy and bored upper class (not unlike modern-day Brasil in that respect). That is perhaps why for the most part I scorn the BDSM community, with its sect-like childish liturgies, attention seekers and petty Ego fights. But I have deep respect and appreciation for the feminine and for Dominant women. Unlike other subs, I find no joy in the objectification of someone to fulfill my needs; I cannot commit myself to just any form of power exchange with just any Domme.

 

Once trust and intimacy have been established, power exchange is a relatively straightforward process. In the case of Total Power Exchange, that is Consensual Slavery, although it may happen in the context of a session, I believe You refer to the kind that is more commonly associated with 24/7 relationships. More than a fantasy, it is a shared myth, a common cognitive construction as much as it is a form of relationship. In order to work, in addition to mutual respect and appreciation, it must rely heavily on what Coleridge called ‘suspension of disbelief’, on the willingness of the sub, the knowledge of him the Domme possesses and her ability to use it. The burden lies a bit more on the Domme’s side, especially if there is a lot of micro-management involved, and the sub must acknowledge that and try and make the relationship as fulfilling and rewarding as possible for her. She must know him, but above all know herself. There is an enormous potential for self growth and enjoyment for both and the way and extent to which it is fulfilled will depend on both the Domme’s and the sub’s commitment.

 

I am writing from the perspective of someone who, often reluctantly, has wielded both formal and informal authority within various professional groups but has always favoured a more consensual, ‘soft’ approach. (...) I am not simply a practitioner nor do I feel special, or part of a secret society of kinks. I simply like You, and cherish the fact that by submitting to You we can experience a level of mutual understanding and intimacy it would be very difficult to reach otherwise. And our personal lives will be much richer for it.

 

Madeline Walton

 

(...)

 

I agree with your definitions and arguments. Very complete, not a word of fantasy or misunderstand and even your choice of words is exquisite. I think you have something for me and I am willing to see what it is.

 

See, asking a submissive about his conception on a topic is a strategy to see maturity of ideas. Most of your lot fantasise about some hot click in black leather who's going to boss them around and give them some hot love afterwards. The "boss around" content is part of their fantasy of a Dominant, but that woman is never completely portrayed as one. She is just a cool girl who does stuff they like that other girls usually don't - some slapping, some orders in bed, perhaps the possibility of letting them kiss her feet. Those ones don't want a Dominant. They want the perfect girlfriend: cute, a bit bossy in bed (but not enough to emasculate them, ha!), often bisexual (but straight enough to have them as her only permanent partner), and an outlet for their fantasies. Servitude? None whatsoever.

 

I despise those men, and it is an insult that they often come looking for sessions. It is infamous that they go for Dominants when all they have in mind is the selfish desire for satisfaction according to their own agenda.for those men, women, Dominants or not, are just an object - even though they are kneeling before them. It's all a bloody joke, a travesty, a mockery of women's position, a laughable use of FEMDOM for their own ridiculous self-satisfaction.

 

(With the author's knowledge)